Frustration

I am frustrated. Frustrated with myself mainly. It seems that I cannot focus on the things I really need to. Perhaps someone infected me with a form of adult ADD that makes my mind race from one subject to another. Mainly the frustration is with my walk with Jesus right now. Quiet times have been anything but as I'll be sitting there reading the Word and off my mind goes into a problem that I am working on or an event that happened within the last couple of days. I even hate to admit that I've been dozing off when praying or have my mind once again wander off into some distant place which frustrates me even more. A couple of times it has been so bad that I consciously give up and roll over and give up by going to sleep.

The biggest reason I think I'm frustrated is that I don't know why I am in this place and the lack of being able to put my finger on it and fixing whatever "it" is started a continuous feedback loop that I need to be kicked out of. In other words - the more I focus on the problem, the more I feel despair that I cannot see the problem so I focus more intently and so the "feedback loop" continues to increase. Is it work-related? Is it relationship (or lack thereof) related? Is it the lack of feeling close to Jesus related? Is it all those things added together???

I'm writing this mainly because this afternoon was one of those days where I just want to give up. Church was REALLY good and my heart jumped a couple of times during the lesson because I know it was what I needed to hear. I walked out of church with the feeling that I can't leave Amarillo anytime soon because amazing things are going to be happening through the body of believers at Amarillo South. Then I get home. A strange odor was in the kitchen and then I wondered why there was water splashing up on my arms from the faucet. I realized it wasn't splashing UP from the sink, it was dripping DOWN from the cabinets. A hose was leaking in my upstairs bathroom which I didn't realize and was draining through the floor into the kitchen. Crap. The same one that did this two years ago that was supposedly "fixed". Trying to shut the water off, I break the valve under the sink. Double Crap. THEN I find out I don't have a normal water main and will have to figure out how to turn the water off to the house. That means I'm going to have to call a plumber to come out and take a look at all this. OH, did I mention my parents are coming into town for a couple of days starting TOMORROW and this is the sink to their bathroom??? AUGGHHHHHH!

I want to give up so badly. I want to go find some cabin in the mountains, get snowed in, and not have to worry about all this stuff with my house and my life. I want to know that all my dreams, plans, and ongoing things are what Jesus wants for me but how the HECK am I going to do that with all this "stuff" going on?

I need a retreat...at least once I can be sure my house won't be flooded when I get back.